Innocent residents feel they are suffering the indignity of being singled out as the first town in Oxfordshire to be exposed to the waking nightmare of having better internet than Chipping Norton. “It’s just not right,” huffed a distressed resident of Millionaire Mansion Road ” We’ve a right to our peace and quiet, and this ‘internet’ thing is just a fad. Why should we suffer the noise and disturbance? My dogs really don’t like it.”
Petition
A petition to clamp down on the work done by Whizzz! and was circulated widely on Millionaire Mansion Road, totalling an impressive 5 signatures. “All these pointless cables are a waste of everyone’s time” snorted one red-faced petitioner from a less-grand address adjacent to Millionaire Mansion Road, ” I’d much rather see these navvies digging up the pedestrianisation eyesore in front of the Town Hall to bring back a our two-way system. The traffic used to flow, not like these days”
Whizzzz! tried to convince the unhappy petitioners that plenty of people have already signed up for the internet service and are over the moon with both their internet provision and the excellent Whizzzz! customer service. But the petitioners remain unconvinced. “We’re traditionalists. We like things as they used to be. The people with grandchildren are just pandering to their demands for bigger, faster ‘toys’,” insisted a tall, disapproving woollen-hatted, be-wellingtoned person. “It’ll spread 5G across Henley, which is very, very dangerous and causes untold medical damage,” he (or she) warned, gravely.
Pavements
Whizzz! will continue to shore up and tidily fix the roads and pavements until the whole town has a modern internet infrastructure. A spokesman for the company stated, “We think the internet might catch on in a few year’s time, so it’s best to be prepared.”
Is it worth it? Will the internet be important to Henley? Please send a post-card-sized letter to our editor with your views, at PO Box 999, Henley, Oxon. Make sure you attach a stamp. Alternatively, reply on the form below.
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Blonde Lady
“It was fairly obvious he’d win” gabbled an excited voter “I nearly went for the blonde lady, she looked like a Conservative – ALL our Conservative ladies are blonde when they get to a certain age,” he added, “It’s great to finally be on the winning side in Henley again!”
Many Henley voters were surprised at the outcome. “I’ve always voted Conservative, so when I saw our MP’s name wasn’t on the list of candidates, I though I couldn’t place my X ANYWHERE” confessed a nervous, slightly inhebriated blonde lady with a dog. “I noticed that John Something was another possible Henley candidate, so I put my X against his name. When I heard the news this morning, I found that we got our old MP back after all!”
John Something
Indeed, there had also been some puzzlement from South Oxfordshire Conservatives who were present in the small hours at the count following Thursday’s election. At around 5am, John Something was announced as Henley’s winning candidate gaining 32,189 votes, though his majority had been reduced by nearly 16%. A blonde lady was in second place gaining 18,136 votes, a dark stranger in third with 5,698 and another blonde lady came last with 2,736 votes. “I don’t understand,” sputtered a perflexed elderly gent with a large moustache. “I thought we were supposed to be voting for the blonde chap? That’s where I put my cross!”
Blonde Chap
Relief was felt, however, when the final results came in on the TV via BBC 24 hour news. Having stayed until the end of the count, our reporter noted that the baffled South Oxfordshire Conservatives finally realised the man they’d voted for had won “He’s back in Henley again! Hip hip hooray!” they cheered, as a familiar Blonde Chap with a cheeky grin appeared on the screen. “Don’t know who that John fellow was, though…” they were heard pondering afterwards.
]]>Cllr Porkton, whose sense of entitlement was dealt perhaps the heaviest blow, cried: “But it’s MY turn to be Mayor. MINE MINE MINE!” before falling to the floor and flailing his limbs around while screaming about how unfair it all was.
Outgoing Mayor, Cllr Lambchop actually spoke, for once, to tell the Planet: “This is the best night ever, with the Henley Conservatives relegated to also-ran status, we are looking forward to four years of productive meetings, peace & harmony in the Council chamber and never needing to do any tricky maths to work out if we have enough votes to get something through. Yes. Yes we do have enough votes. Obvs.”
]]>“I’ve always been passionate about various things,” stated one of the new non-male Conservative candidates. “I was encouraged to share my passion at a business seminar – I came out as a passionate person along with a few other people I’d never met before – we all seemed to get on like a house on fire.”
Accurate Minutes
“Recognising we had so much in common, Cllr Bill Porkton suggested we should all run for seats at Henley Town Council. Cllr Porkton assured us that Team Conservative would be the best choice for us passionate folks – he says that talking as much and as passionately as possible is the whole point of being a Conservative Councillor!” she continued, passionately.
“What is more – and this is what makes it REALLY special – he told us that when we’re elected, we can choose to go to some of the Council Meetings, they have a Town Clerk to take accurate minutes of our passionate speeches. I really like that idea.”
Remarkably High Levels
Several candidates tested out their commitment to being passionate by emphasising their remarkably high levels of passion in Conservative election materials and statements to the press.
“It’s a genuine thrill to be able to go public and announce that yes, we are BY FAR the most passionate people in Henley,” enthused another non-male candidate.
“Talking about being passionate is defintely a vote-winning strategy that will get us all those seats on the Town Council!”
]]>“The District Council’s shocking failure to act is clearly all down to HRG” Councillor Porkton ranted on Twitter, a social media network the Henley Planet understands is popular with people like Donald Trump and the morons that support him.
Damning Evidence
Henley Residents Group Councillor undoubtedly to blame for all the problems
Councillor Porkton added “I know it looks like a massive Conservative Majority on SODC and I know that at first glance it would appear, to people who don’t understand these things, that any and every failure by SODC can be attributed directly to the Conservative Party, but I can assure you that the problem with SODC is the seat held by the Henley Residents Group!”
Henley Planet mathematicians are still unable to determine how a party with one seat, and one vote manages to render such a vast Conservative majority impotent – we’ll let you know if we ever crack it.
]]>The accusation sent shock-waves around the Town as stunned residents realised his statement was factually correct and accurate, something they are simply not used to hearing from a Conservative.
Mayor Lambchop, a member of the Henley Resident Group, was brought to tears by Bill’s blisteringly accurate statement. “It’s true, it’s true, it’s all true, we have a registered emblem and everything!” he sobbed uncontrollably. “We’re still way WAY more independent than they are though, honest.” he added.
Henley Planet’s investigative journalists have uncovered proof that the Henley Residents Group is an officially registered political party and is based in Henley-on-Thames. The Conservative Party is, at least for now, also an officially registered political party and is based in London.
]]>Cllr Loveshack told the Planet: “Every day I’ve worked my socks off and I no longer have any, I even lost those particularly helpful ones that say left & right that I got for Christmas – one second, I just need to launch this new bus service…”.
Sock Appeal
Concerned residents have launched a campaign appealing to members of the public to send in all their odd socks in the hope of forming new pairs for Cllr Loveshack who said: “Everyone’s been so supportive but it’s just…one second, a new pothole just opened up on St Andrew’s Road, sorry, I’ll be right back…”
Speaking some considerable time later, Cllr Loveshack insisted he would calm things down and take things a little easier before dashing off to find out who was putting out their rubbish at the wrong time on the other side of town.
]]>Cllr Porkton addressed a crowd of, by some estimates, up to 20 people in Market Place today. He explained to those gathered what a fantastic and caring chap he was before gesturing to a group of nearby strangers and introducing them as the Henley Conservative candidates.
Movember
Whispers of “Who are they?”, “Doesn’t that one live in Reading?” and “I think I’ve seen that one before!” could be heard from the bemused audience. One candidate, still fully embracing Movember 2015, was eventually identified as that helpful chap Pew from the Kenton Theatre and the Living Advent Calendar.
Cllr Porkton would later explain on twitter that Pew might be the smallest member of their team, but was still a good guy despite that.
Phew!
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Cllr Cholmondley-Warner explained : “I’ve attended approximately one full council meeting every six months, which has been very rewarding and looks great on my CV. Unfortunately, that’s left four or five others, plus a dozen or so committee meetings, I’ve had to remember to apologise for not attending. Sometimes I forget entirely and rely on other Councillors to apologise on my behalf – it’s a real struggle”.
Cllr Loveshack, who could vaguely remember Cholmondley-Warner, told us Councillors were concerned the residents of Henley may not welcome yet another kilo each of political material to recycle.
Questioned on the amount of money her resignation would cost the town, which will now have to stage its fourth by-election in a year, Cllr Cholmondley-Warner replied: “I believe in democracy. People deserve proper representation and so I think £6,000 to replace a Councillor who almost never attends meetings with one who does, is a price worth paying”.
]]>Areas around London, including South Oxfordshire, are expected to accommodate the majority of new arrivals and Henley’s allocation has been set at 500,000 new homes.
Supporters of the scheme point to the fact that Henley’s Town Centre economy would receive a considerable economic boost from the 8,000% increase in population. “By 2030, Henley’s local economy could sustain, eight or possibly even nine-hundred Coffee Shops and up to 250 kebab vans! We are living in very exciting times”.
Mr Harold William Charlton-Rotherfield, chairman of the Shiplake Nimby Oppositional Organisational Trust, who are fighting Shiplake’s allocation of 10 affordable homes, was less enthusiastic: “Shiplake is just not a suitable location for any new homes at all. Henley, Harpsden, Wargrave, Caversham, Sonning, Sonning Common and Binfield Heath are all crying out for thousands of new homes, and they should have them, providing adequate measures are taken to keep all that extra traffic away from Shiplake”.
Asked where these new homes would be situated, local property developer Bob Sharky told Henley Planet: “Modern construction materials mean that land once thought of as useless for anything more than a meeting place for teenage potheads, is now ripe for development. The Red Lion lawn, for example, could accommodate up to 200 studio apartments, a gym and a rooftop bar”.
Cllr Stephanie Loveshack said: “We have always been open to new housing providing there is adequate investment in local infrastructure and that 40% of the houses are affordable to local people.”
“Every house in Shiplake is affordable to someone.” added Mr Harold William Charlton-Rotherfield for no apparent reason.
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