Conservatives Jubilant as Their Man Wins Election
13th December 2019
Voters who put their cross against a Conservative candidate in yesterday’s General Election were overjoyed when their favourite Henley candidate once again gained power, in a decisive national vote which saw 80 more seats across the country turn blue.
Blonde Lady
“It was fairly obvious he’d win” gabbled an excited voter “I nearly went for the blonde lady, she looked like a Conservative – ALL our Conservative ladies are blonde when they get to a certain age,” he added, “It’s great to finally be on the winning side in Henley again!”
Many Henley voters were surprised at the outcome. “I’ve always voted Conservative, so when I saw our MP’s name wasn’t on the list of candidates, I though I couldn’t place my X ANYWHERE” confessed a nervous, slightly inhebriated blonde lady with a dog. “I noticed that John Something was another possible Henley candidate, so I put my X against his name. When I heard the news this morning, I found that we got our old MP back after all!”
John Something
Indeed, there had also been some puzzlement from South Oxfordshire Conservatives who were present in the small hours at the count following Thursday’s election. At around 5am, John Something was announced as Henley’s winning candidate gaining 32,189 votes, though his majority had been reduced by nearly 16%. A blonde lady was in second place gaining 18,136 votes, a dark stranger in third with 5,698 and another blonde lady came last with 2,736 votes. “I don’t understand,” sputtered a perflexed elderly gent with a large moustache. “I thought we were supposed to be voting for the blonde chap? That’s where I put my cross!”
Blonde Chap
Relief was felt, however, when the final results came in on the TV via BBC 24 hour news. Having stayed until the end of the count, our reporter noted that the baffled South Oxfordshire Conservatives finally realised the man they’d voted for had won “He’s back in Henley again! Hip hip hooray!” they cheered, as a familiar Blonde Chap with a cheeky grin appeared on the screen. “Don’t know who that John fellow was, though…” they were heard pondering afterwards.
