Henley Appalled by Ongoing Full-Fibre Broadband Scourge
12th March 2020
Henley – a one-time peaceful, sleepy hamlet, only coming to life once a year for Regatta and boasting its very own Tory Council and Superstar MP – is sadly falling victim to enforced modernisation. Internet broadband company Whizzzz! has been digging up the pavements of the the entire town, obliging all and sundry to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st centry, where superfast downloads and uploads are set to blatantly improve the lives of people seeking entertainment but also make working from home to become a realistic option for many.
Innocent residents feel they are suffering the indignity of being singled out as the first town in Oxfordshire to be exposed to the waking nightmare of having better internet than Chipping Norton. “It’s just not right,” huffed a distressed resident of Millionaire Mansion Road ” We’ve a right to our peace and quiet, and this ‘internet’ thing is just a fad. Why should we suffer the noise and disturbance? My dogs really don’t like it.”
Petition
A petition to clamp down on the work done by Whizzz! and was circulated widely on Millionaire Mansion Road, totalling an impressive 5 signatures. “All these pointless cables are a waste of everyone’s time” snorted one red-faced petitioner from a less-grand address adjacent to Millionaire Mansion Road, ” I’d much rather see these navvies digging up the pedestrianisation eyesore in front of the Town Hall to bring back a our two-way system. The traffic used to flow, not like these days”
Whizzzz! tried to convince the unhappy petitioners that plenty of people have already signed up for the internet service and are over the moon with both their internet provision and the excellent Whizzzz! customer service. But the petitioners remain unconvinced. “We’re traditionalists. We like things as they used to be. The people with grandchildren are just pandering to their demands for bigger, faster ‘toys’,” insisted a tall, disapproving woollen-hatted, be-wellingtoned person. “It’ll spread 5G across Henley, which is very, very dangerous and causes untold medical damage,” he (or she) warned, gravely.
Pavements
Whizzz! will continue to shore up and tidily fix the roads and pavements until the whole town has a modern internet infrastructure. A spokesman for the company stated, “We think the internet might catch on in a few year’s time, so it’s best to be prepared.”
Is it worth it? Will the internet be important to Henley? Please send a post-card-sized letter to our editor with your views, at PO Box 999, Henley, Oxon. Make sure you attach a stamp. Alternatively, reply on the form below.
